Back in the game...somewhat
Yesterday morning as I sat on the bus I quickly became anxious about the days events. I was beginning a new semester after eight months of mindless activity and I was overwhelmed with a variety of emotions. The idea of returning to school excited me for I felt I was wasting my life away since I decided not to return. But then I began to wonder if it was the smartest move after all. Nothing has changed since I had been in classes last; I'm not any closer to figuring out what I want out of life or what I want to achieve.
However, overhearing a conversation between two girls at the back of the bus I remembered what I didn't want to be. There was a twenty something girl talking about her minimum wage job and her child, while cursing like a sailor. If nothing else, that is why I was on the bus on my way to school.
Once I got to school it was everything that I loved and hated at the same time. I loved the feeling of success and motivation as you sit in the class on the first day. There is an inescapable feeling that you can do this, that you are capable of getting a good grade, understanding the course, and impressing yourself. But as usual, as I looked around the classroom and saw people chatting with one another, I realized just how alone I am and how I've never had people I know in my classes.
I was not discouraged though. I went back today and even went as far as to spend my morning bus ride brainstorming career options; what interests me, what I could do with those interests, and which of those interests can be combined. So the next time I sit down with a career counselor, I might have something substantial to tell her.
Although I am scared to death of not knowing anyone (and yes, I realize I can meet people), I am mostly excited. Excited to test myself and learn about myself. To prove to myself that I do have it in me to succeed; to not let this be like any other semester where I start out feeling this way, but end up discouraged and angry. It doesn't matter if I don't have a career at the moment to work towards - if all else fails, I'll end up with a degree of some form.
Now, because I don't have school or work tomorrow, and for lack of anything better to do, I'm going to go watch a movie.
posted by Fern Wimpley @ 11:45 PM
4 Comments:
At 4:33 PM,
Thegirl said…
Very positive attitude, Fern! Way to go finding something positive while on the nightmare no go metro transit!
At 10:33 AM,
Tawny said…
You definitely don't want to be a twenty something with a kid and a minimum wage job. You're way too clever a girl for a life like that, and you have too much potential.
You're on the right track Stacy, moving in the right direction and no one can really hold you back except for yourself if you allow it. You were very meticulous about picking out your courses, gave each one careful though in regards to your interest level, the prof teaching it and the time committment required. Work hard and you'll fly through this semester - and come April, it'll feel like you've never been away.
I'm very proud of you :).
At 12:36 PM,
Jody said…
The right attitude is the definitely the way proceed - as my husband says 'start as you mean to go on'.
We all know how frustrated you can get, and yes your degree is taking much longer than you'd initially anticipated but you are showing yourself to be a trooper. To give up would be the easy way out - when you do get your degree it will probably mean even more to you than most.
As Tawny said, I'm proud of you.
At 11:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
Stacy: I'm very happy to know you're doing this. I won't sugar coat anything, but frankly this is very impressive as everyone I've known to quit/stop school has never gone back. Suffice to say, only a small number of them are otherwise successful, and this would be because they had a certain skill level in something they were already passionate about... meaning they just focused their energy elsewhere.
This is, to my best understanding, the best thing you could be doing right now. It's unfortunate there's been no direct opportunities for you. I was lucky.
I think Stace, the most important thing you could do right now is surround yourself with like minded people. Avoid the ones who's only dialog is party this, guy that and balancing a cash register. Think big, find something you enjoy doing, if you don't know what that is yet, find something you enjoy thinking about, reading about, and move from there. Don't rely on school to pave the way for you. Sure I don't have any first hand experience, but I feel pretty safe in saying that Higher education is a two way street. You need to take out of it what you want or what you need.
Consider this... none of your professors likely care about Stacy McDonald, but they will care about the young woman who's passionate about X-subject wanting to learn everything she can about it, from a theoretical to a practical perspective. When you know what that subject is... make sure they know too.
For anyone who likes partying and their man and their job at the grocery store... that's fine... some people are very happy with the life they choose or adaptable to the live they're given. You can definately be very happy in that 'world'. But this seems pretty obvious that it isn't what Stacy wants.
Stace, I don't know your friends. What I will say is.. if I stayed in Halifax and kept the same friends, who knows where I would be. Only 1 of them has really gone anywhere. As far as I know, the rest all have hourly based wages, and families. Perhaps very happy, but the statistics would indicate nothings going to change for them.
I think I often take for granted the things I can have and can do as a result of Tawn and I having well paying career positions. But there is work required to get there. It's no where near as bad as you could think. In fact, often I think about how stressful a hourly waged job would be in comparison (being the people person that I am) and how I just couldn't do it. The nice thing is... when you're off work.. you're off work. It allows for a free-er leisure time. For me, when I go on vacation, I have to wonder if my customers are getting their email, or if I can check my email, see if there's any fires that need putting out. This can suck.. but then again, when I'm in Europe visiting one of 10 or however many it was, countries... you gain a little perspective.
Just do what makes you happy. I hope you just figure that out sooner than later. :) Like I say, maybe having like-minded friends will help you find that direction.
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